Conservatives Open to Comparing Obama to Things Other than Dictators

In the style of The Onion.

Conservatives have compared President Barack Obama to nearly every dictator under the sun, including Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot — even Julius Caesar.  But as 2013 begins, this has created a problem.

“To put it bluntly,” Republican strategist Karl Rove said, “we’ve run out of dictators to compare him to.”

This realization came Tuesday night, when Ann Coulter made a comparison between Obama’s gun control proposals and obscure 19th-century Turkish sultan/dictator Abdul Assiz:

“I had just compared Obama to Assiz on The Glenn Beck Show when it dawned on me — that was the only remaining dictator that we hadn’t compared Obama to.”

The panic was visible on both Coulter’s and Beck’s faces.

“Then it hit me,” Coulter exclaims. “By increasing the debt for future generations, Obama preys upon our resources just like a chupacabra preys upon livestock.”

Coulter describes that revelation as liberating:

To be honest, I had been feeling trapped by the epistemic closure that has plagued conservative thinking for the last few years since McCain lost his presidential race. We have been narrow-minded, thinking of Obama exclusively in terms of worst-case scenario dictators, when in fact there is a whole world of other worst-case scenarios we can use. I mean, there are sea monsters, rapist vikings, Blackbeard the Pirate (which is great because ‘black’ is already part of the name) — really, it was freeing. I hate to sound liberal, but I felt like I opened my mind a bit to other possibilities.”

Coulter is not alone. Rove admits this narrow-mindedness was probably why Republicans did not win the last presidential election with Mitt Romney at the helm:

I think maybe America got tired of the old-fashioned Obama-as-King-Hitler narrative. I mean, come on, it’s 2013. The GOP needs to get with the times. Dictators are so two years ago. We need to start reaching out to other demographics. Like women.”

Noting that women recently went crazy over 50 Shades of Grey, Rove’s Super-Pac unleashed a new ad campaign with BDSM themes. Rove himself stars in the newest ad, walking into a candlelit dungeon holding a whip. As a generic jazz riff plays, he stares erotically into the camera and breathily says, “Yes, we do tell you what to do in the bedroom.”

Rove hopes the ad campaign will inject a new energy into the conservative movement, showing that Republicans and their policies can be sexy, too.

“It all comes down to sex. Sex sells. Well, at least, legitimate sex sells.”

And in an effort to appeal to Hispanics, Rove’s Super-Pac also revealed a new ad co-sponsored by Taco Bell. The tagline is, “Republican: Think Outside the Bun.”

Incidentally, that is also the tagline of another Rove ad directed at the gay male population.

Again, in the style of The Onion. In other words, satire.