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“And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt”
~ Nine Inch Nails, “Hurt”
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Dear family and friends,
My spouse is divorcing me. While she has supported me through so much and I hope she finds the happiness and love she deserves, I am of course heartbroken and devastated. She asked me to not discuss her decision publicly, which I have respected for months. I must finally break that promise now, though, because it is necessary to understand what you will read next.
As I approach life without my best friend in a fascist hellscape, I see little to no path forward. For over a decade, I have been a burden on those I love the most and I do not want to burden others similarly again. My spouse has been more patient and supportive than anyone else I have ever met—more than family, even. But even she found my struggles to be too much. I have been too much my whole life and it has worn me down to a shadow.
Some of you have loved me well. Some of you have loved me through so much—from a troubled, rebellious youth enamored with debate to a jaded college student in love with liberation theology to a poetry-writing apostate bartending at Mexican restaurants and strip clubs to an advocate for fellow homeschool alumni and a founder of multiple nonprofit organizations fighting for the health and safety and rights of children to an author of a book on child liberation theology to an election specialist responsible for the safety and security training of Santa Clara County’s thousands of election workers. Thank you, so much, to everyone who played an important role in this life of mine. While I have spent most of my life waking up wishing that I was dead, there have been occasional flashes and sparks of light and meaning that made the pain more bearable. Those flashes and sparks are all of you.
Some of you may be surprised by this act. But please know it is not impulsive. I have been planning for this moment and working on this note for several years now. I wanted to do this several months ago, but I felt guilty about abandoning my work responsibilities. So, I was trying to make it through the November election instead. But I don’t think I can do that anymore. The divorce process has become nightmarish.
Also, I have been open and honest with many of you about my struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, PTSD, and suicidal ideation over the years. This won’t be the first time. But it will be the last time and I will ensure that this is the case.
Despite previous attempts, I have never written a note. Yet I am this time because I feel I owe you all one at this point. I would be heartbroken, but understanding, if one of you did something similar. But I would want to at least hear from you one last time. So this is me doing that. This is me saying, “Hey friend, I am sorry about this. I know this will suck. But I have fought my whole life and I am too tired to keep fighting. Sometimes, when you’re in an ocean swimming against a riptide, you just run out of energy. You want to keep going with all your heart and soul but your body cannot. This is that moment for me.”
So. It is time to say goodbye. Goodbye to sunrises and sunsets, to the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning, to the sounds of waves crashing lazily on beaches, and my cats purring contentedly beside me—all those things I wrote down in my CBT and DBT classes as reasons why life is still worth living. None of those matter anymore. When your best friend gives up on you, those other things become cobwebs and shadows—mere replicas of things that once held weighty meaning and significance. But now, like ash in the wind, they blow away. Meaningless, meaningless, as Ecclesiastes puts it.
Is there a god? Will I go to heaven or hell? If there is a god, I will go to my eternal destination and slap him in the face. Fuck god and fuck everyone who loved him more than their own children. I have spent my whole life making excuses for a god who never raised a finger to spare me from being molested as a child or the lifelong consequences of that abuse. Those consequences have slowly but surely consumed everything in my life, including now my marriage and soon here me as well. I have read the Bible backwards and forwards, I have created theology and imagined liberation amongst the ruins of my childhood faith, I have said what Jesus never did. And to what end? To whitewash tombs full of the bones of the dead. Meaningless, meaningless.
As I approach the end, I admit I made it longer than I thought I would. Much of that is due to the love and support so many of you showed me. Thank you for that. Thank you, scuzzle. Thank you, Sora. Thank you, Coco. Thank you, Kristen. Thank you, Cindy. Thank you, Julie Anne. Thank you, April and everyone at the county. Thank you, Colleen. Thank you, Lance. Thank you, Dolores. Thank you, Dr. Culver and Dr. Singer and Dr. Wang. Thank you, David and Brad and Chrissy. Thank you, every single homeschool alum who trusted me with their story and fought alongside me for the rights of children. Thank you, Shade. Thank you, Wende.
I am sorry I cannot keep fighting for a better world with all of you. But I wish and hope for the very best for you.
Scarlettah, I am sorry you had to keep me alive. I am sorry for my trauma and my mental illnesses and my suicide attempts and all these expensive pills and therapy sessions and outpatient programs and psychiatrists that never fixed me. I am sorry you had to spend so much money on my medical care and you never got the Ryan you wanted. I am sorry the Ryan you had exhausted and traumatized you. I hope you find your athletic world-traveler with no trauma. I am sorry I wasn’t that. Take good care of Dot and I’ll take good care of Nine.
To my family: I wish we could have ended things on a better note. Mom and Dad, I wish you believed me. Chris, I wish you had kept your word and valued my time. Jackie and Garrett, I love you and I wish we could have known each other better. Garrett, I am sorry I will miss your wedding. I love all of you and I am sorry to end things here.
Athena, Helen, Cassandra, Aria, Corban, and Gianna, I am sorry I will not see you grow up into the beautiful, bold people you will become. I am sorry I didn’t get to finish your children’s book, either. But I love you so much.
Lily and Ten: I am sorry to you most of all. I am heartbroken to leave you. I hope you find happiness and safety with your godparents. (Thank you, Jaime, Carlos, and April.) Thank you for keeping me alive the last few months. You are pure love.
The fact is, there’s a lot I wish could be different. But it’s not. This is how it is. Scarlettah made her choices, my parents made their choices, my country made its choices, and so I must make my own choice, too. This is what I choose.
So. Goodbye. I don’t know if this is goodbye forever or if there is more torture to come. But goodbye for the here and now.
All my love,
Ryan / R.L. Stollar