(CW: suicidal ideation. And I am ok. Wrote this a decade ago.)
I want to run my car off a cliff
into someone else’s skin.
I want to run away as far as I can
and find a new sin
to pin the pictures in
my mind upon;
I will clean out the closet and
sell all my skeletons.
Everything must go.
Everything must burn.
The hammering in my head
has my tongue tied to the steeple.
I cannot stammer out a prayer;
I say fuck and it sounds feeble.
I would crucify again
the creator of all this bullshit,
but as much as I want to spit and
take an army up the beanstalk,
to make a bloody mess of the heavens,
I simply cannot:
It’s hard enough to wake each day
without a Red Bull and Clonazepam,
and it hurts enough just to live.
I have but one skin
and I cannot find another.
I feel it burning atop my insides
and I’m so sorry if it must go.
Everything must go.
Everything must burn.
I am pouring kerosene on
every corner in my mind,
and I do it methodically like an
arsonist bent on escape
or a serial killer trying to
right all the wrongs
in all the wrong ways.
And I know it’s too late
for a fairy tale ending but
at least we’ll get fireworks
and a great big bang.
I’m sorry if it stains.
But everything must go.
Everything must burn.
R.L.: I don’t know you well (as in, not at all beyond a fair number of blog posts you’ve written over the years), but you are sounding suicidal to me. I have no idea what may have spurred you to begin thinking and feeling as you are, but you are scaring me . . . in your behalf.
Should you/can you check yourself into a mental hospital?
Someone who knows Mr. Stollar better than I do–and who may actually live somewhere in his general vicinity: Can you get him help?
Hey John. Thanks so much for the concern. I wrote this about ten years ago and was definitely suicidal at the time. I am ok now, though. I’ve done lots of therapy in the last ten years and am on a good medication regimen! I still have bad days but I am in a safe space both physically and mentally now. Just was editing this piece today and felt like sharing. Thanks again. ❤️
Whew! Okay! Good. Thanks. I was very concerned.
Thought: Perhaps, when you re-post, you could add a comment about when you first posted and, even (perhaps), what “inspired” you to re-post.
I knew you had HAD issues in the past. But if you were suddenly having a breakdown in the present . . .
!!!
(I have dealt with one close relative who has struggled with bi-polar [used to be called “schizophrenic”] episodes for going on 40 years. It is scary stuff when someone goes into a bad place. . . . I found myself, as a young man, having to check her into a mental hospital because I really was concerned for her physical safety. . . . Very, very disturbing.)
Again, thanks for replying.
That’s a good idea. I added a disclaimer when I shared it on Facebook; should’ve done that on here, too. Will add that. Sorry to cause you concern! But again, thanks for being concerned and checking in. Much appreciated.