When I Asked Satan Into My Heart

I was a teenager when I asked Satan into my heart.

It didn’t go as planned.

I had spent much of the last few years fighting depression and suicidal ideation. No matter how many times I prayed, nothing happened. Jesus never helped me. So I had given up on Jesus. 

But Satan? Maybe he, unlike Jesus, would answer my prayers. Maybe he would fix me, even if it cost my soul. So it was worth a shot.

I didn’t know how to pray to Satan, though. I had spent my whole life praying to Jesus, so this was completely foreign territory. Inspired by the few movies I watched that had some occult elements (The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, pretty tame PG stuff), I turned off the lights in my room. I lit five candles and arranged them in a… pentagram…ish shape. I grabbed a chef’s knife from my family’s kitchen, so I could cut myself in case Satan asked for a blood offering.

Then I folded my hands and prayed.

“Satan, please enter my heart. I will commit my life to you if you will answer my prayers.”


I tried again. This time I renounced Jesus specifically, by name.


I tried again.

And again. 

And again.


I decided to commit it to paper. I wrote a poem called, “A Summoning.” Because I was summoning the Lord of Darkness. I even said “fuck” in the poem, so I was serious.

Still nothing.

No flickering candles. No ominous voice. Absolutely nothing. My heart and brain weren’t fixed. My soul was not stolen. I was not possessed by even a single demon.

Instead, I was overwhelmed with the sense of being truly alone in the world. Yahweh was silent. Jesus was silent. The Holy Spirit was silent. Even Satan was silent.

Maybe I truly was broken.

All I knew for sure was this: I was alone. So. Very. Alone.

Published by R.L. Stollar

R.L. Stollar is a child liberation theologian and an advocate for children and abuse survivors. The author of an upcoming book on child liberation theology, The Kingdom of Children, Ryan has an M.H.S. in Child Protection from Nova Southeastern University and an M.A. in Eastern Classics from St. John’s College.

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